It's a Long Strange Road

"I have to be, Caleb. If I keep trying to change, to be what I think others want me to be, I can never become what, who I am meant to be. Besides...I've lost too much worrying about the me, the I in everything. It can't hurt to put the desires of another above myself for once. Maybe in this simple thing, Rashid could be proud."

Those last words were spoken as they stepped into the shadows, and for a split second there was a glisten of liquid lighting my eyes, for a moment reminiscent of the stars he had created earlier. Gone as quickly as it had come, optics the color of polished gun metal studied him, half anxious, half amused by what his mind of all people's would come up with as a reward, as something special. I had seen the outfits he had created before and had approved of nearly each and every one of them. The rare times i hadn't it was not so much the outfit itself as the person wearing it. Tonight would not be for melancholy though. For this was Carnival. A world of both dreams and nightmares given flesh where everyone wore a mask and spirits ran high. This was a place where the Changlings would reign, the power of human and non-human inspiration feeding their...Fueling their whatever it was.

His fingers snapped then, that star bright grin of his too infectious not to be returned. I felt his magic dance along my flesh, there one instant and gone the next. What I would not have given for a moonlight fed pool of water to see my reflection then, for if I was anything even half as stunning as he was... Looking him over then what I could see of myself, he had changed our attire while not changing us. In some ways he only emphasized certain strengths and parts of our being...It was a good thing that I did not need breath for it would have caught in my lungs at that moment. He had received his wish, taken what I had offered, however small it may be and made me something that we could both enjoy. Fangs bit at the inside of my cheek to not say something that would ruin the moment, or that would be too intense for this moment that was to be of light hardheartedness and joy.

All the way down to the weapon that fit my hand like a glove, the weight of it sheer perfection. testing it out there in that darkness, I gave a low whistle of appreciation before turning back to catch his bow. While it would have been more appropriate to curtsy, I knew, hoped that he would better understand the court formal bow I graced him with in return. Gliding closer, my hair an untarnished, untamed mane of pristine white down my spine over the cloak, I reached up, pressed my cheek to his for a moment. Not enough to damage the masks of course but enough for him to feel my appreciation with more than just words. An idea struck me then, one that I could not turn away. Tilting back to look up at him from behind both of our masks, the smile cast his way was the Cheshire in the Cream, the one who was aware that an entire cage of canaries awaited her. Lips reaching his ear but nothing save for breath ever touching,

"Knights and Assassins, M'Lord ? How drastically appropriate you've chosen. yet as such I believe we need a fair prey to hunt. And what better pray than a Knight his Lady, or an Assassin his mark ? No powers though, Caleb. Simple skill and simple strength of mind may be used just yet for this. Catch me if you can."

Then in a flurry, I was gone. Even as a mere human I had been fleet of foot, it a necessity for survival. My form slender and lithe, even with the addition of the costuming, I knew how to weave my way through a mass of jostling people as well as a courtesan knew how to seduce. If not better. Ducking and weaving around corners, past couples intertwined, there were a few curses shouted out after me, but for the most part, it was good nature-d threats. As long as I did not run into something, or someone, the surprise of my challenge might give me enough of a head start to compensate for the length of those long legs of his.

He was pleased that she was pleased. All she'd done, everything she had changed, a little recognition was overdue. Caleb was more then happy to offer it up to her. As she leaned close he breathed the scent of her in. her words, the offer of a chase, were probably the only thing that could have snapped his eyes open in that moment. Even a threat of death wouldn't have distracted him in those seconds. But when she darted away from him, darting like an arrow into the thick of the crowd. His eyes glittered, strangely reminiscent of the feral glint in the gaze of his avatar.

Turning on his heel he followed, stalking after her, the glinting colors of his attire all melting away to black as he stepped out of the shadows. Even the reflection of flame off of the steel was darkened when it's color bled away, as if chased to darkness by the lights of the grand courtyard. He started after her, following the sound of cursing through the crowd already on her trail.

It was a game, this little hunt was. Designed as a spur of the moment joy ride, old skills came back as if they'd never left. It had been so long since I'd simply run for the sake of running, much less played a game of hunter and prey with someone who could actually prove a challenge. Someone that I strangely trusted enough to allow being that challenge. I almost had eaten my words when I saw how he'd stood there simply absorbing me. Little innocent ME as if for that brief instant I was the air he breathed. That was dangerous, and while I was no coward, I didn't know where it would go and while I wanted Caleb, an unashamed, unhidden attraction aflame when we were in each other's company, there was still Mal. Much as I may dislike the other Mage...I couldn't be the one to make a move on him regardless of how bad I wanted to. So instead I had fled, eyes casting that last glance over my shoulder only to see that feral glint which had things lower in my body clenching.

Ducking beneath hanging lines of clothes and curtains, I evaded a drunken swing of a man who I had caused to spill his drink all over his pretty -Lady- companion. My head fell back, joyous laughter sparking the air alive as I suddenly ran smack dab into someone. Throwing out a swift apology that the person may or may not hear, I swore for a moment a familiar scent teased at me. Knowing that it was not just an improbability but an impossibility, I skirted around the figure and booked off again. Coming to a low hanging set of metal stairs, I made the leap and caught the bottom rung. Pulling myself up as quickly as I could, I was at the rooftop in seconds. Venice. the city on the water. Bloody Hell. Yet there were still rooftops to be had, just not as many as back in England.

Running steps sent me vaulting off the edge of this roof, open air beneath me as I hit the next and rolled. Coming to my feet swiftly, I ran again, feet taking to the slanted roof of this one and sliding smoothly down to it's edge before making the rather impressive drop to the ground. Realizing that I'd left the heart of the carnival behind me, I frowned. Dipping into a nearby alcove, I skirted around a partially closed fence, only to stop dead in my tracks. It would end up being a church that I had just put myself on the grounds of. All the places in the world I could have ended myself up at, this would be just my luck. Looking around for somewhere to hide, there was only the open doors ahead of me, the dimmest, barest slice of light peeking through and that only because of my heightened sense of sight.

Eyes turned to follow after the rogue as she darted away. Too quick for more then a passing glance, but her features were too familiar to have been forgotten so soon.

---

He was liquid shadow, flawless in his path. He slid past the masked throng, taking a moment to barrow the occasional dancer to make his way across a significantly crowded courtyard or garden. Leaving red faced husbands and jilted lovers in his wake, minus their objects of affection. He would have felt bad, but the dreamy looks he received from the numerous lovely eyes he left behind were more then enough to wash away any guilt that might have loomed.

He passed by the individual she had bumped into. Each to distracted by the vampire to notice the other.

Jumping out of a pocket of darkness, he landed on the stone post that held the gates to the churchyard. Taking a three point stance as first his gaze swept the yard, then moved to the yawning darkness of the church. Tilting his head to the side he lept down, and slipped into the gravestones, moving within the slithering shadows cast by the trees.

---

The inside of the church was quiet, a single candle sitting on the alter. The rest of the modestly sized building was empty. Or so it appeared, the only sound was the wind outside, and the feather soft sound of her footsteps in those soft black boots.

I was so absorbed in evading the Mage following me that I never noticed the lingering glance cast after my by the person I'd slammed into. A mistake that at any other point I'd have chastised myself for severely but at the moment I didn't even catch my own error. I didn't know if I was going to burst into flames, or embrace further madness if I stepped further onto the Holy grounds, but I couldn't just stay rooted to this spot for eternity and I was too brave, or too stupid to not at least chance it. I was nearly ascending the few stairs leading to the doors when the scream hit my ears. Unexpected. Unwarranted, it caught my ears and shot through my skull like wooden stakes being driven through my heart. Hands clapped to cover my ears as I went to my knees upon the stairs.

Expecting to feel the dampness of blood pouring from shattered eardrums, that was when my dazed mind realized that I shouldn't have been able to hear it. It hadn't been here in the city, in fact I wasn't sure where or whom exactly it had come from, yet it had registered to me none the less. Finally it ceased and I was able to lower my hands to press them palm first to the stairs. Rising slowly to my feet, I took a few cautious steps, testing to see if it had been some form of warning that I should stop my path and turn to leave these grounds. When nothing else was heard, I continued, my feet finally crossing the threshold and entering into the church itself. Guided to that single, flickering flame, I slid forward, cape billowing gently around me, hair alive with nergy, body tense with wariness as I finally approached the alter.

Standing there before it, a hand rose to remove the mask when something stopped me. A certain sixth sense had me instead reaching out with one of my Malkav blessed gifts. Enacting Eyes of Chaos even as my bared fingertips settled upon the alter, I silently tried to get some hint of what had drawn me so directly to it.

The single candle on the alter had been lit by someone familiar, dark blue eyes and shaggy brown hair came into focus. His eyes were more serious then they had been the last time they had looked upon her. More muscled, fully grown into shoulders that had always been broad. It almost seemed more time had passed for Fynn then the few months the rest of them had faced.
Sitting beside the single burning candle, was a small pewter mountain lion.
---
Caleb slipped into a window onto the balcony overhead, and climbed up into the railing, his presence hidden by deep shadows. Unlike her he hadn't heard anything, and had come through the window too late to notice her reaction to it. That would have been a game ender. Now he waited as she seemed to fall victim to distraction. IT hardly seemed fair to use that against the seer.

NO.

My mind screamed the single word, the sword in hand clattering to the ground beside me, it's sound as it hit the floor like a gunshot in the otherwise silence. As if the hand touching the alter had been nailed in place, it couldn't move, no matter how much I wanted it too. It had been him. No coincidence that the scent had been so familiar, my fly boy had been here. In this very chapel, what could not have been but a small span of minutes before. Seeing that the statuette from the vision was still there, a quiet whimper escaped my lips as memories of the last man that I had loved who had become a shifter assaulted me. Shaking my head rapidly, I fought back the thoughts, refused the memories entrance to the forefront of my mind. The statue couldn't mean anything like that. Just because the way he had looked standing there somehow made me see him as the feline trapped behind the guise of a man...

"Oh my heart why must it always be this ? What happened to take the joy from your eyes ? May that which has hurt you be swift of feet for may mine eyes ever fall upon it, it will know sorrow for the joy it has stolen from your gaze."

I couldn't fall apart. Not here. Not now. I had fought, was fighting too hard still to become stronger. I had achieved too much just to give it up now, like some untrained child. I could smell his scent, here before this alter and it merely served to amplify the ache behind my breast, within the heart that I had thought to deny. Even though my head was held high, spine gracefully straight, tears trickled free to water the alter, the floor before it, a single droplet landing on the statuette itself. Sucking in an un-needed breath, fighting with the all of will I possessed to regain my control, it was not an easy thing. Tenuous as a new foals balance, it was there. I could do this. Even though the Mage, even though Caleb had changed my attire, there was still one thing that would not have. The small vial hung between my breasts, the powder in it a dusky gray. One finger would stroke it slowly, remembering the first picture he had ever sent me. The other moved to wipe the single tear from the statue, eyes of chaos enacting once more subconsciously as if I could not control myself in that one small thing.

The small statue whispered requests for protection from the darkness scattered across the world. All bound together and sent in service of the person he had lit the candle for, whoever that happened to be. No details, save for a single black ribbon wrapped around the lone white candle.

---

Caleb hopped down from his spot, too keen eyed to have missed the distinct reaction from her. Unsure as to why he called the game closed and went to her side. Making sure he made enough noise as he landed that she wouldn't miss it. This was not the time to come up on her unsuspecting, he'd had enough experience in his life to have already learned that lesson from others. "Eli..." His voice was soft, inquiring without being pushy.

Answers that rose more questions. Someone that was so important as to cause this many people to lock their prayers, unify them like this on behalf of one soul. Whoever it may, they were obviously important enough to him to have come here to place it. Wanting to run a finger against that ribbon, desperate to know more, my hand slowly slipped away from the alter. Crouching and picking up the sword that had fallen to lay forgotten, a hand slowly brushed imaginary specs from it as if thankful for the solidarity, the simplicity of it. Whoever it was, if it mattered that much to him , it mattered that much to me. Yet, I was a Vampire. A once Mummy who may or may not still be in the service of Anubis. This God had no reasons to listen to my prayers. Besides, I had nothing of value. Nothing dear enough to me to leave as an offe...But I did.

Affixing the blade back to my belt, both hands freed now, they rose to carefully unclasp the vial on it's chain from around my throat. Looking down at it for long moments of silence, I tried to think of what to say. What words to give a God that was the least likely to listen to anything I asked for. Yet he was said to be a God of love, was he not ? Were that truly the case, then maybe this would be enough. Voice was quiet, strong in my words, yet slightly hesitant, almost as if I expected to be struck down for even thinking to be here much less asking something of him.

"Hi God. Just Elizabeth, your local resident Vampire here talking to you now. I don't know what's happened, and I don't know who it is that could matter this much that he'd have come here to ask for protection for them. But he's a good man God. And if that matters at all to you, please answer his prayer, answer their prayers. Whoever could have that many people rooting for them has to be somebody special and they deserve your protection if anybody does. And God...I know I'm probably asking a lot, but please protect him too ? Wherever he has to go, whatever he has to face that has taken his joy away...Please keep him safe, okay ? Sincerely Yours, Elizabeth."

It was as I was ending the prayer, as if it were a letter to a dear friend, that I heard the footsteps, heard Caleb's voice and realized he'd probably heard all of that. Quite the fool I must look, but if it did any good, it didn't matter how I looked. There were people who were more important than I was, I understood that now.

"He was here, Caleb. My Fly Boy, My own personal Angel with tarnished armor was here. Well he used to be mine at least. Fynn was here, not even twenty minutes ago. I thought I'd recognized the scent of the person I rammed into during our little game...But this is Venice, there's no way it could have been him...Besides his scent while familiar just smelled...Different. This close Caleb, and I missed him by minutes. Didn't stop to see if it really could have been him because I didn't believe...because I was having too much fun for once...Yet again my selfishness cost me. It's okay though. he probably didn't recognize me anyways."

Finally giving the vial one last tender, loving stroke, I laid it atop the alter, chain pooled delicately beside it.Stepping back, bit by bit until I could lay my head against Caleb's shoulder, I simply watched it lay there beside the pewter mountain lion and it's beautiful ribbon.

"But we should go, Caleb. Things like me don't belong here. I can just hope that my prayer didn't harm theirs. Shall we return to the carnival ?"

When she spoke her prayer the church was quiet, but not empty. It was the sort of silence that was given when someone was listening very closely. The air felt ever so slightly charged, as if something bigger then the building, the city itself was paying attention to each syllable she uttered. There was no vocal answer, but the stillness was not vacant when she ceased her supplication.

---

Caleb listened quietly to her. Compassion was not something that he felt often, but here it struck him sharply. Reaching out he touched her cheek lightly, gaze briefly turning toward the vial she had laid on the alter beside the pewter figure, and the candle with its burgundy ribbon.

Fynn. Even he was inclined to go looking for the m15 agent, it had been several months since he had gone and the Son of Ether was inclined to let him know what he was about to tell Eli. Well one thing at a time. Troubled olive eyes shifted back to her, the corner of his mouth curving into a half smile that held far more hesitancy then amusement. "I need to ask your forgiveness. I did something two nights ago, something that effects you. Something that you probably should have been present for."

Dark brows furrowed together, all his hunters ferocity long melted away. "Mania is dead Eli. He attacked Sebastian's place with a mob of fledgelings. He was after the small green house Leon, Casey, and Malorie had been placed in for safe keeping from a vampire that has invaded Aliska. I found myself face to face with him, and just acted when the opportunity unexpectedly presented itself. He fried under the sunlight, and I scattered his ashes across more bodies of flowing water then I can count. If I could have included you I would have, but in the moment... I wasn't thinking about anything but making him die for everything he has done."

Well I hadn't been struck dead, that was a start. Nor gone stark raving mad from such audaci...Wait, I was already mad, wasn't I ? A child, blessed of Malkav, touched by his kiss. No, it was enlightenment that ran in my blood. Though I was far from a Saint, and no church goer of a regular basis, even I felt that strange quiet. The way the air would crackle and hiss if touched just the right way. It would have to be enough. I didn't know that there was anything else that I could say or do. I would have to trust in his strength, trust in my fly boy's skill. Trust. Something so difficult to give for me, perhaps that was where so much of our problem had laid to begin with. Then Caleb touched my cheek, just below the mask so softly, and I couldn't help but turn my head into it. There were no falsehoods between him and I, something which made our interactions immensely simpler. When I saw his gaze go to what lay on the alter, one hand lifted to press over his own.

"One is of his hand, the other of mine. I gave my most loved possession to fuel my prayer you might say. Strange that it is ashes trapped in crystal, but it is what it is. And no God, it's not from a body, but I think you know that already."

Then his smile was changing, shifting to one not quite so familiar upon his face. My brow furrowed ever so slightly, though my hand over his tightened in a way I hoped to be reassuring. Whatever it was he was going to tell me couldn't be that bad, right ? When he mentioned a need of forgiveness, I wracked my brain, trying to think of what he could be talking about. As his dark brows furrowed, my hand had already claimed his and was guiding the both of us over to sit in the first of the pews that stood as silent wooden sentinels. Keeping his fingers inter-meshed in mine, I was studying them briefly when he uttered the words that had I possessed a beating mortal heart would have surely stopped it. Were it anyone else, I would have refused to believe it. Had it been any other than the mage, than Caleb who was telling me this and asking forgiveness, I likely would have laughed them off as more insane than I and told them to go get buggered.

Leon. The giant man spider who was without a doubt, ever and always devoted to what he obviously saw as his Mate. Ill Intentions. When he said it, there was always the sound of more e to it then i. He was good people and deserved protecting. Then there was Casey. Perhaps the reason she and I got along so well was that she wasn't presumptuous. She didn't assume one thing of me when it was obviously the other, nor did she try to make me something that I wasn't. She had accepted me for who I was, flaws and all. She had even managed to help ascertain my freedom once upon a time. And I saw in her what I missed so desperately when she was around Leon. They were safe. both of them healthy and kicking. Then there was Mal. I tried to find something good, a fond memory of her that made me thankful she was safe as well. Coming up dreadfully short, it finally hit me. Because it would matter to him. Fynn would be happy that she was safe. There was also the fact that wishing someone dead while sitting in a church...God probably didn't look to fondly upon it.

A part of me wanted to be angry. I felt the rage light my eyes and the beast rise to prowl so quietly behind them as they beheld the male before us asking for forgiveness. In his own way seeking our pardon. yet our beast was not some animal. Not some mindless creature that with fangs and claws would shred him. No in some ways it was far worse. It was the girl in the white dress that looked back out at him, and for a brief moment our gun metal grey eyes were shot through with scarlet, as if they might fully bleed away any other color. Yet it was not her place to lay judgement, nor was it mine. Soothing. Whispering words that promised we would hunt soon, and not the Male who sat before us that we could smell so strongly. His blood would be a proper repayment. At least some. NO. He was a friend and should that time come that he ever offered a vein, it would not be in retribution nor revenge. So when finally an answer was given of him, it was with a surprising, simple calm.

"There is no forgiveness to ask. They are family, and as such they are ours to protect. You did what I could not do, and for that I owe you my thanks. My Sire or not, he deserved to be taken out from the world before he hurt another innocent."

Caleb listened, his eyes observing the minute expressions that passed across her features. She was thinking deep thoughts, and remained quiet letting her take in the news. What else was there to say? He certainly wasn't sorry the Malkavian was dead. Even burnt to a cinder, he still got chills at the idea individuals like that shared a plane with him and those he protected.

When she finally spoke, several minutes later, he was still watching her. Still trying to sort out the tangle that was Eli Rayne, it would take more then a few minutes. It would take lifetimes. Luckily some of her best friends were immortal. Liam would never leave her until she no longer needed him. Caleb had more dealings with that vampire then either of them ever let on.

Vanquish? Gods only knew what he was going to do. Or When. Or Why. Hell even How, Where and Who up for debate.

Her words caused his brows to furrow together, he reached out and caught up one of her hands in both of his. "Your wrong you know." A small smile flickered, but not due to amusement. More, mild frustration, only He could smile when he was angry. "I didn't do something you couldn't. I just got the opportunity first. You would have Eli, he owed you a debt. One he never paid. If anyone would have made him pay what he owed, it would have been you."

I couldn't read his thoughts, couldn't read anyone's really though there were times I wished to high Hell I could. Then again where was the challenge in that ? And if life wasn't about the challenge, then what was there ? Ah though there were also moments where simplicity was grand and challenges could go fuck themselves. Like sharing a bed with Liam, the case he had bought me that held my dearest possessions to a chest that was achingly empty. Lessons with Vanquish which were never easy but somehow had begun to make all the sense in the world. Running from, and with the Mage who had stalked me here to this church. Laying in a bed, wearing nothing but Fynn and a sheet while telling Mal to come in... The thought, while so painful brought a hiccup of laughter to my lips, my head bowing for a moment to try to contain it.

He caught my hand then and there was a flicker. A ripple to his aura that had me frowning inwardly before listening oh so closely to his words. Oh dear Caleb. The hiccup that had been heard moments ago was a full bore tinkle of sound now as I leaned forward and rested my forehead to his. Both hands now twined with his, and I couldn't help but study them for a moment as I found the words I most wanted to say.

"Caleb...Ducky. I'm too stubborn and too headstrong to think I couldn't kill him given the opportunity. I would have went after him if I could, given the chance, it would have been my hand that laid the final blow, have no doubt. Yet fate has a fickle way of doing things. My commitments with Vanquish... As his student I gave him my word. If I can't keep something so simple to him, how can I ever hope to win Fy...How can I hope to prove to anyone, most importantly myself that the changes I've made are ones that will last ? It can't be just about what I want anymore. I have to prioritize. Schedule things, you know. There will be another monster, another day for me to slay. Do I wish I could have been there ? Yes. But I think if anyone stood a chance, it was you. Damned Mage and your crazy luck."

Caleb listened closely, attentively silent in the wake of her admissions. He hand Eli had occupied the same group for some time now. Months and months, if not a full year. Since she had ended up in New York, since they all had.

Gavin and his merry band of misfits had turned the most powerful city, in the still very young America, on its head. Killing the prince, and putting Sebastian in her place. That Ventrue was a political mastermind. Caleb was almost positive, that was a good part of the reason the four-hundred year old vampire was so patient in the wake of all of Gavin's mistakes. Sometimes he was just so damned... Human. The Aviator slash inventor must have already cost Sebastian hundreds of thousands. Perhaps millions with Mania's last attack.

He closed his eyes when their foreheads touched, now he opened and sat back just enough to see her. One hand untangling itself from her fingers to hook a finger under her chin. "I'm so terrible at this sort of thing." He half smiled, the expression quiet and self-conscious. "I never quite thought you got a fair shake. Everyone has always been so concerned with fixing you, and despite everything you still trust them." Olive eyes caught her own, the russet brown around his pupil shifting slowly to a molten gold smoke. "I've never been able to decide if the fact that none of them seem to notice, is amusing or just kind of sad."

Those eyes flickered, as if he had been about to look away from her, and had stopped himself. "You agreed to every lesson they tried to teach you, and trusted they had your best interest at heart. You have given away more then I can truly conceive of offering. Did you know that?" His brows furrowed again. "That's the only reason your here, because you agreed to be." He laughed, a single lifting of his shoulders, almost more of a sigh. Not at all like it was funny.

Now he did look away, taking a moment to pull free a cigarette. The first he handed to her, the second he put between his own lips. Without so much of a glance the ends flared with small orange flames, just long enough for that first sweet poisonous breath of smoke. He exhaled deeply through his nose before he continued. "all this time speculating whose side you were on, and the answer has been there from the beginning."

Again his gaze turned toward her, like he was trying to read her mind. To figure her out. To add in all the missing pieces. He could have peered into her mental depths, but he restrained himself without ever really considering it a possibility. "You've changed Eli. Your stronger, fiercer, bolder. That's all I really wanted to say. That you've grown up, and if it counts for anything..."

Indecision crossed his expression, he seemed hesitant to finish his thoughts and lapsed into silence. "I noticed. People are paying attention." Full lips pressed together, and he took another hard drag on his cigarette. "I'm proud to know you. If I ever need someone to... ...I trust you at my back, to watch it, and I have yours. If... If you ever need it."

There was obviously much that Caleb wanted to say and if I never had before, I listened now. Let him speak each word, watched as each different set of emotions played across his features. Refusing to let age old training kick in to pick apart any deception, any hidden meaning to his words, I took them at face value. Shock was carefully schooled though, surprise at all that he shared hidden behind a veneer of calm, cool, contentedness. Each word he spoke, each piece of his thoughts that he shared...He actually believed in me. He, if no one else saw what I'd been trying so hard to achieve. So it was that I took that sweet coffin nail and let him bring it to life. Taking my own first few drags, I relished in what slight relief the drugs were able to offer. How did one respond to everything he had said ? The way his eyes had changed caused some feral part of me to tighten, to want to lean forward and taste if he would hole the flavor that those eyes posessed. NO If there was ever distinctly not a time, this was it. Yet as much as I had wished to destroy whatever had ripped the joy from Fynn's eyes, so did I want to take away the uncertainty, the almost awkwardness that I was seeing in Caleb. The only way to do it, terrifying as it might truly be to actually open to someone no hold's barred was truth. So after brushing a gentle fingertip against his cheek, I rose to my feet and began to pace silently within the little aisle between the pews.

"We all have things we're terrible at, Ducky, some of us more so than others. But to overcome them, we must admit them and face them head on. It's a horrifying thing to face your weaknesses, you know. To grab your fears by the horns and eat them before they consume you instead. This isn't said to toot my own horn. It's kind of the last thing I want to do. But I suppose if there was ever a time where I was going to bare what would be the equivalent of my soul, this would be most fitting. In a church of all places. Oh how great is the irony in all of this...

I got what I deserved, Caleb. I came to the whole lot of them a bloody mess. Some of them tried you know. In their own way I'm sure they did. I didn't make it easy though, not ever once. Stubborn as a mule, I was. Still am you know. I don't think that's something I'll ever be able to fix. I think they were concerned with fixing me because my own flaws were so screamingly, glaringly open. Sometimes it's easier to pick out the flaws, the mistakes in others and try to choke them into fixing them than it is to face your own. Besides, back then...I was just begging to be fixed. I was trying so hard, but in all the wrong ways. It makes sense now though. I have to be who I am. I'll never make Mal happy. Or Gavin. Not Elyska nor Blaze. The people who matter though...Casey saw it I think. And because of her, Leon. Then there's Liam and Vanquish. If anyone had a right to up and wash their hands of me and my shenanigans, it would be that damned Gangrel."

Words were drawn pause, the cylindrical tube raised to pursed lips. A heavy drag then another was taken. Held and exhaled as I exited that narrow little pathway to move back in front of the alter. Stopping there finally and staring down at the items that sat there as if they held the answers to everything in my life, a quiet sigh had my head dropping for a moment. The angle of my body hiding the uncertainty, the all too evident pain in my gaze, I continued. Because if I didn't speak of it to someone...

"Do you understand the things I've taken though Caleb ? Things I can't ever return or repair ? I ripped Claire out of Heaven. She was happy there. Safe. I took Rashid's trust. I took his last chance at Salvation and threw it away for NOTHING. I nearly took Casey's life because I was weak and saw what Mania wanted me to see. If Leon hadn't been there... I took his heart and walked all over it. At least i thought I took it."

Those last words were so quiet that he'd have to be intently listening to hear them, even in the silence of the church. Shoulders shook for a moment as tears I couldn't restrain trickled forward. Again the scarlet would trace the features beneath the mask. This time though they were not wiped away, no matter the weakness that shedding them made me suddenly feel. God why did I have to be so weepy, so womanish ? Drawing a breath that my deadened lungs didn't need but somehow seemed to help fortify me to continue.

"I had to grow up, Caleb. The only other option was continuing to flounder. I don't know that there would have been anymore bottom left for me to hit without hitting dead. It's selfish I know. But I didn't want to die. Just for the longest time it felt like the only option I had. I'm not as strong as you think though... I cry myself to sleep more often then not with Liam. I know vanquish hears it when he's there and not out mucking about, but for whatever reason he never brings it up. Do you know how many shirts of his I've ruined ? He finally just gave in and started sleeping naked. There are moments when I'm out patrolling the lower parts of the city, the areas everyone else has forgotten that I just want to scream. That I wonder if sitting out, waiting for the sun and letting Helios embrace me doesn't hold the answers. But then I remember, I'm not that same little girl anymore. I'm still scared. I'm still fallible, but we all are I think.

Your words do give me some measure of hope though. Some small modicum of believe that I'm going down the right path. That I can one day be more than the monster I was for so long. It was once said that a man can change his stars. I refuse to spend the rest of my life as nothing."

"I think to some degree I get it." He watched her silhouette, lined by the gentle golden glow of the candle. She seemed almost ethereal, though that didn't require the solitary flame, there was always something about her that made her appear to more drift though the world without really being a part of it. His bros furrowed as he sat back, stretching his arms out on either side of him along the back of the pew.

"I don't understand, but I think I get it." He took another drag from his smoke and watched the smoke drift up and away as he exhaled. His lips parted, and he closed them again, struggling with himself to not ask, and ultimately losing the battle. "How do you do it? How do you base everything on them? How do you change not for yourself but for everyone else? Why does it matter? Why these people?" His heart rate had picked up, words gaining not in volume but in intensity. He was flabbergasted, lost at the very idea.

Their backgrounds weren't so terribly different, they were friends now, but they could have been friends before all of this. She was changing, but no answer he could gather for himself, despite the hundreds of examples he had run through in his mine, explained satisfactorily why she would do it.

Standing up he continued to watch her. "There are a million people with intentions just as crystalline. Hell there are people you never would have had to change for at all. The only thing these people have asked you to do from the beginning is to be someone else."

"Why Caleb ? If for no other reason than this. They're MINE. Lock, stock, and barrel, each of them in their own way mean something to me. Truthfully... Because I'm scared. I don't want to be alone again, I don't know that I could stand it. I'm terrified that if I don't at least try to be what they want that I'll lose them. That they'll leave just like Fynn did. I had to stop thinking for me and think of others, so who better than those that I consider mine ? Maybe because if I can do this, I can do anything ? I never asked myself why you know. I think you're the first person to ever actually question me on it."

Moving away from the Alter finally, I let my feet carry me back over to where the Mage stood so that while avoiding the cherry of his cigarette, and he with mine, I could settle my head against his chest. More my cheek over his heart, I was trying to make sense of all of this. The oh so many questions that he was shooting at me rapid fire that I wasn't sure I could even answer properly for myself, much less anyone else. I realized then that I hadn't lied to him. In fact, I'd been so honest with him that it was almost uncomfortable. Yet it wasn't like there was anyone else around to see or mock me for it. Even if they did, maybe I needed it. Just to prove that I wouldn't pull a weapon on the first person to get snippy with me, even if it was Mal. That thought drew a choke of laughter from a throat still semi clogged with tears. Lifting my hand to bring the coffin nail to my lips, that long drag was a relief as I knew I must sound crazy to him.

"I may be a childe blessed by Malkav but I'm not crazy, Caleb. Would that I could use that excuse for everything that I've done in my life. In some ways I think I was crazier before the kiss came to me than I am now. I guess in changing for them, I'm changing myself for the better ? Before all of you, I wouldn't have done half the things I've done in the past weeks. Helped the people, the strangers that needed helping. As maddening as it sounds, I've become better for knowing all of you. Even though you're the only one....You're the single person, the sole entity that has never wanted me for anything other than me. I just realized that. Perhaps it's why I've admitted everything so openly to you tonight. Perhaps it's why I wasn't turned off by our little game of tag and being your prey."

'Because I'm better when I'm with them.' There it was. The reason why. IT seemed so obvious now, now that it had been said flat out to him. He was older then her by several years, he shouldn't have been demanding answers from her. Especially when they were to his own closely guarded questions. Sure, he knew she had accepted the indoctrination into Gavin's merry band, but it hadn't made sense. So much work, so much effort. So much frustrations, and pain.

Yet she had come out on top, she was winning this fight against the world. Her mad sire was dead, ash scattered for far and wide not even the best of villains had the power to bring him back. Good riddance, Mania had been the worse kind of... of... Caleb still didn't have a word for him that was quite suited the level of terrible he had been.

"Am I better?" He asked quietly, olive eyes still on her. "I don't think I can be quite fair when I'm concerned. I always vote in my favor, or the favor of whatever best suits my needs at the time. To suit my own purpose, typically to enjoy the company of a lovely woman." He looked away from her, unable to look at her, and be honest. The latter was not something he was at all practiced at. After all, why be honest, when lying worked so much better.

"How can you not be ? All you ask for is my company, my thoughts, my assistance in your own enjoyment. With the rest it's always so much more. Eli, be a Lady. Eli don't go off on your own. Eli stop wearing a mask. Eli stop being so selfish. This that and the other no matter the fact that so often what they yell, scold, or try to change was me trying to be...Better. Good. I don't know. Whatever it takes to make it all make sense. There are moment where I wonder why I keep trying. If there will ever be enough to do that I can makeup for everything...All the people I've hurt, the life's I've destroyed... But look at me here being all maudlin again. All dark and dreary Eli. It just won't do."

Listening to him was easier than speaking up or out, so I let him say what he needed to. The smile that teased at my lips by the time he had finished was wry. He was as hard on himself as I was on myself, if not more so in some ways. When I finally felt his gaze shift away, the angle of his body change so minutely, my cheek would lift from his chest. A single fingertip, gentle as a baby's breath given flesh would brush his cheek. Sweep below the mask in an attempt to turn him back to face me. Truth wasn't easy. Baring one's self was even worse. Yet in this moment, who else was here to hear any of it ? Our secret and our secrets alone. Our weaknesses. Our fears, our doubts. They all could come out in this darkened church and have none but our ears be the wiser. Not that I could nor would demand such a thing of him. It didn't hurt to ask though. Even if he didn't look at me, the words would come out quietly, just above a whisper. Regardless of the silence here, or if we had even been in a crowded room of shouting people, I knew he still would have heard me.

"You can be yourself. You won't ever have to hide from me. I swear I won't tell. Everyone you've ever trusted has let you down. Now you don't want to come out, yet you can just show me / A few pictures from your past
along with all the walls you've painted black. Don't fear the secrets that you keep under your bed. All you have to do is let me in"